Doctor, there's a castle in my head (part four)

When there is a situation in my world that I don't know how to deal with, I retreat from it. I move into my interior world and live a life without flesh. I guess this is a point where I need to admit something. Part of the creation of this world is because I was once incarcerated in a psychiatric ward. There is nothing like be strapped to a gurney and left alone in a back corridor to be harrassed and molested by various people during the day and left alone with inmates at night. Helplessness is a fire. You burn up and there is nothing left but the very core of what you are. If you have ever wondered where my interior world comes from, well now you know.
I don't want to tell you any of this. I remember when I was in Florence, Italy, in the base of the Duomo. They were selling wooden rosaries and I bought one. I wound it around my hand and climbed up through the rat-like path to the top where I could look out over the city and beyond. All I wanted was a path, a sign-post to tell me where i was going. There was no such thing. All I could do was look down upon the city and the mist that enshrouded it. I decided then and there that I would create my own sign-posts and that the city I had created within my own head was the only true city in all the world. I stand and rise up with my own world and am pierced by the spikes of consciousness. I am laid out and forced to peer over the edge of the world that I have created. And that is okay. In all the darkness and derangement of my secret mind I have only one message: I would never trade this for any other reality. Take that, you foolish lie of a life. I can't but win.